First of all you are brave for describing this. I can really relate to you as when my first-born was an infant I also noticed that I did not “feel” all that much....and other women told me they did. And now a couple of alleys to look in why your affect or your feelings is so flat:
1. The obvious one : you never had a bond with your own dad, you have no clue what a happy or positive father - son bond CAN be all about - there is a big “missing” in your heart.
How come I know, it’s because the father of my 4 sons - now all adults but no way emotionally mature yet - was born and raised on a kibbutz here in Israel - and his dad who also had NO bond with his own dad - except being beaten with a Belt while learning Scripture - he emotionally rejected his son all the time. How criticism, scorn, 0 positive attitude.
This in turn spilled over into my own family. Where he in turns was critical, too demanding - trying to push religion on them - no positive feedback for what they did right etc.. you will not be surprised to hear that 2 out of fours around 18 got into the drug habit - it did them much damage - and I as their mother get to deal with a long and hard 10 year long fallout.
People, children and adolescents who come from a harsh and critical e.g. unloving parent - often turn to drugs to find a way to connect to themselves. It’s dangerous - I need to coax now my first-born to get himself assessed by a psychiatrist and to accept therapy and disability.
So not meaning to scare you - Injust say - take action today to place yourself in a growth group for men or fathers and to begin to relate to your son consciously as the beautiful soul he is. Since children might kind of make it through a void in their childhood - surviving so to speak in their body - but then once adolescence begins the issue of their identity and of their ability to form positive relationships comes to the fore.
2nd unknown to myself for 55 years I had Asperger autism, lived in a world of thoughts and books, hardly had a social life , and suffered as a result. So as far as raising my own 5 children goes - it was a struggle and only very late about 5 years ago did my feelings really begin to open up - mostly due to the great pain of watching two of my sons really loosing it due to drugs and the underlying emotional baggage they were carrying.
Summary: fatherhood like motherhood is NOT a biological instinct - or a social obligation (plenty of people throughout history have “made babies” and then failed to become a true parent - it is a conscious choice to “be there” for someone else and a learned skill - to be learned from and with other “fathers” and guiding experts.
By making a choice to take on your fatherhood as your conscious vocation and investing thought and learning and getting trained into it - the reward you will get is that your whole life will become beautiful. You will truly feel and experience love ❤️ for another human being and embrace that boy who is your son. Also along the way you will learn to listen - and also good ways of speaking with a child. As your son grows and matures - he will include you in his world and you will share much happiness together.
What I say to you - I also say to myself: hang in there and get the support for your own growth to do well in the one thing that really matters the most : the Art and science of loving one another.
Blessings from Israel
